Just give him the doughnut!
I was talking with a friend a few days ago and she relayed this story to me. Her mom works in a school for students with behavior issues that include young adults on the autism spectrum in attendance. One young man is now enrolled there due to the fact that he wanted doughnuts and decided that it would be perfectly fine to take a set of keys to his parents’ car and drive himself without their permission to get doughnuts. The parents, upon realizing that their child had taken the car, immediately called the police. This young man now has a criminal record and is in this special school.
As parents or teachers, we know that our students with ASD “want what they want and when they want it.” I have heard this countless times throughout my career by both parents and teachers. Instead of viewing this through that lens, this is an opportunity for teachable moments.
Let’s use this scenario as our example. The student or child asks, in whatever way they are able, for doughnuts. You offer to drive them to get the doughnuts. The doughnuts are bought and the opportunity for an ongoing lesson now begins. The conversation could go something like this:
Caregiver: I know you like doughnuts, right?
Child/Student: Yes.
Caregiver: I love the way you asked me to get you doughnuts. Today, I did take you and you picked out the doughnuts you wanted and here is the deal…you can have doughnuts today, but we aren’t going to get doughnuts tomorrow, even if you ask nicely. Doughnuts are not healthy for you and they cost money. You don’t have money, so I am the one paying for your doughnuts.
As caregivers, we can get caught in the traps of always giving in to what the child or student wants or our immediate answer is "No, you can’t have that.” Rather than falling into either trap, can we consider a more impactful way to navigate our child’s or student’s request for what they want and then be proactive rather than reactive to their requests?
After all, it’s a doughnut…just give him the doughnut! (And keep teaching!)